I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
