The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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