The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
