dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
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