My hand turned me down
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
