I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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