If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
