I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I FOUND THE LEGS
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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