I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
