Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
