now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
