i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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