Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
