the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
