I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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