Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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