My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
