upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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