I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I'm bleeding and have questions
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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