I faked an abortion last night.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
