oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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