yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
