if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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