guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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