My girlfriend figured out who you are.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
