I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
