i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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