We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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