my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
