did you get engaged???
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
