There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
