Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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