I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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