What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
