Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
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