smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
why is half of my head shaved?
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