YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
