why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
