I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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