Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
