I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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