That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
