The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
