There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Randomize
