I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
