He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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