someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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