Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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