Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
