you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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